Pretty GirlsMagical Sexy Sorceresses!”
by GothCloud
Summary: Barret and Seifer are off to find the a magical place that is where magical girls love but many thing happen on ther way see what funny thing happen in Pretty GirlsMagical Sexy Sorceresses!” part1
1. Default Chapter

Pretty Girls/Magical Sexy Sorceresses!"  
by GothCloud  
  
Disclaimer: I don't Final Fantasy 8, Magical Girl Pretty Sammy, Final Fantasy 7, Last Exile, DBZ, Street Fighter, G Gundam, Beyblade, Gundam Wing, or anything else, or this song. This song is from Beyblade, and I'm poor. But I understand Seifer's pain. I see a man who wanted some Magical-Girl booty. Sadly, Sasami's mine (well, Tsunami is.), and Hinata belongs to me. (or Naruto.) And Ayeka and Karasu are having crazy-mad sex in a corner. And Ryoko belongs with Tenchi. If you wanna sue someone, sue Barret. Or Tyson.  
  
(Barret and Seifer are misunderstood, not psychotic. And they love everything on God's Green Earth. butterflies fly around Barret and Seifer)  
  
A/N: If you can't tell by now, you are not supposed to take this seriously. This is romantic humor, free of bathroom jokes of any kind. This was written just so my girlfriend can MST it. All your flame are belong to GothCloud.  
  
-----------------   
  
Balamb Garden floated over the newly-built North Corel that didn't burn down. Seifer is sitting on a brick, kicking at a log.  
  
Seifer looked around and said, "There are no pretty girls, ya know?" Tifa walked by in a G-string bikini, breasts bouncing. Seifer didn't even notice Tifa being practically naked. Nor did he notice Scarlet and Yuffie having some hot steamy lovin' in front of him.  
  
Seifer said, "Nope, nothing interesting in this town at all..." Then Fuujin walked by, completely naked, dancing provocatively all over Seifer. Seifer said sadly, "Nothing stimulates me here..."  
  
Then Barret walked by and said, "Why 'ya lookin' down, mon?"   
  
Seifer said, "There are no pretty girls here, ya' know?" In front of Seifer, all the girls in town were having one massive orgy, and Seifer and Barret didn't notice because they were so busy talking.  
  
Barret said, "Ya know, mon? I know this place where there are magical girls!"  
  
Seifer asked, "Magical girls?! But I have no interest in sorceresses, ya know!"  
  
Barret said, "I don't have an interest in underage girls, mon. But these are magical girls, mon! Let's go there, mon!"  
  
Seifer said, "There is nothing interesting here, anyway, ya know?" Unknown to Barret and Seifer, every girl in a 25-mile radius of North Corel is having a spontaneous orgy, and seven giant airships were skywriting the words and fireworks were going off, declaring "the Biggest Lesbian Orgy EVER to hit North Corel, all men please jump in if you really want to, or just watch if you want to see something interesting!!"  
  
Barret and Seifer walked away, very disappointed, because there were no pretty girls, and there was nothing interesting.  
  
-----------   
  
Five Minutes Later  
  
Barret and Seifer drove out of North Corel with Marlene in the back seat. Barret threw a cigarette out of the window toward North Corel and as they drove away, the skyline of North Corel looked as if it was on fire.   
  
Barret and Seifer stopped by the ShinRa mansion (the one where Vincent lives), and used their Mighty Weapons of Truth and Justice to break the door down. As the smoke cleared, they went in and looked around. They saw bubble-gum pink wherever they looked. They did not notice Dio and Luciora.  
  
Seifer asked, "What are you two doing here, why is this place pink, and where is Vincent?"  
  
Dio answered, "Vincent let us borrow his place because he went off to fight the something-whatever of Cerberus."  
  
"The Dirge of Cerberus, honey," Luciora said to Dio.  
  
Dio answered, "This place scared us and felt like someone died and was in a coffin for thirty years! So we made it happy!"  
  
"You did a splendid job, my cheesecake," Luciora said.  
  
Dio answered, "Like I said, Vincent ran off in his cute little red ensemble. And he's prolly going to marry that Elena girl."  
  
Barret asked them, "Did Vincent leave a key that was labeled, 'Key to the Land of Pretty Sexy Girls that are probably sorceresses, that Seifer doesn't like', mon?"  
  
Dio asked, "You mean this?" Luciora carried the very large key with one hand, and then handed it to Barret. Then Dio took Luciora off to do what they were doing before they were so rudely interrupted. You hear noises of some hot steamy lovin' going on.  
  
Barret said, "Well, we need the second Key... for the Portal requires Two Keys to open it, but we need to fight a monster, mon!"  
  
"Who is probably junctioning poor little porn stars with sorceress, ya know! At the Mansion, ya Know!" said Seifer.  
  
----------   
  
At the Playboy Mansion, they saw that it had a new name: "Hojo's House of Sexy Pretty Girls!". When they went in, many pretty, sexy porn stars were crawling on Barret and Seifer. But Barret was too busy staring at their first-grade daughters, saying, "Yes, bounce for me, mon!! I will show you my FULL MOON, heh heh heh, mon!"  
  
Meanwhile, Seifer was too busy lusting after Jenova, saying, "Yes, my precious. I shall be thy loyal knight, and we shall ride together into the Fires of Truth and burn the Garden which is EVIL!! WHAHAHAHAHA, ya know!"  
  
Hojo walks in, with a huge crowd of girls fondling him, saying, "What are you doing here? How did you two get past our security?"   
  
Barret said, "Well, Goku and Ryu were supposed to guard the gate, but they had a fight."  
  
Unknown to Barret or Seifer, the two were having this battle to see who was the better fighter and lover. And Barret and Seifer didn't care because they were going to get some Hot Steamy Magical Lovin! ™  
  
Hojo asked, "How did you get past the second and third set of guards?"   
  
Seifer answered, "Kai and Tyson were having a Beyblade match to see who was the biggest Overrated Marty-Stu, ya know? And then King and Ozuma were fighting over Mariam, yet again, ya know? Can we have the Key that says, 'The Really Big Key to the Magical World of Underage Girls That Barret Has No Interest In!', ya know?"  
  
Hojo gives them the key and said, "Now get the hell out of my house!" Barret and Seifer then go to Colony X18-999, in their car, as it flew into space, they saw a herd of Space Bears that were carrying the poor female characters like Relena and Allenby, and Lacus, and Cagalli, and anyone who had balls and looked like actual females, as they drove their car into Space, Seifer looked out the back window to see colonies exploding and girls junctioned with sorceresses, that Seifer and Barret had "adopted" a lot of little girls whose parents mysteriously died.  
  
"What a weird day," said Barret, as they drove to the colony in their crappy car. Then Duo and Heero walked down the street and they fell on top of each other and had hot steamy lovin', like in so many fanfics of this nature. Wufei was over there giving speeches about Women's equality. And Quatre was chasing Zelda's skirt. Zelda then says, "I must go!" And ran into the bathroom. Zelda was not seen, but Legolas walked out of the bathroom and kissed Quatre and said, "See ya!" and left.  
  
Barret and Seifer finally reached their destination! The sign on the door said, "YOU HAVE FINALLY REACHED THE LAIR OF THE PRETTY AND SEXY MAGICAL GIRLS THAT ARE PROBABLY SORCERESSES THAT SEIFER DOESN'T HAVE AN INTEREST IN! PLEASE INSERT KEYS A AND B!"  
  
Barret stuck key A into the indicated keyhole, and Seifer did the same with Key B. The door opened and Domon and Rain came out and shouted, "OUR LOVE WILL CREATE A BARRIER TO STOP YOU FROM ENTERING!!!!!! WHAHAHAHAHA!!!"   
  
Barret and Seifer walked past Domon and Rain, who were looking very confused. Unknown to Rain, her boyfriend came and proposed to her. While that was going on, a space bear carried Domon away where Allenby was. And there was much rejoicing.  
  
Meanwhile, in The Lair, they saw underage girls becoming sorceresses. Barret and Seifer were much pleased! They had sensations in their pants and this made them want to sing!  
  
Ansem walked in and opened his coat that looked like Seto Kaiba's and asked, "What do you need? Do you want to be a different color? Do you want to have sex with your other half? Wait, this only works in the Yu-Gi-Oh universe! Or do you just want Anzu's balls?"  
  
Barret said, "No, mon. Just a song, mon!"  
  
Ansem said, "Good choice! Here's one that I ripped off—I mean one that Yuffie 'borrowed' for me, from Beyblade!" Yuffie ran up to Ansem and said, "My materia now!" and kicked Ansem.  
  
Ansem gave Yuffie some Technicolor materia and said, "Here, mom!"   
  
Yuffie kissed Ansem on the forehead and said, "Thanks, son!" and ran off.  
  
Seifer and Barret started singing the song, "Pretty Girls" from Beyblade that Ansem and Yuffie ripped off from those poor little kids oh dear.  
  
Barret and Seifer were singing, YES, they were singing and frolicking in the fields of sorceresses and underage girls!  
  
(Ready, ready, set, go)  
  
If I were a dentist I would take the opportunity to look in your mouth,  
  
Maybe if I did then I would better understand just what you're talking about,  
  
And if my X-ray picture gave the proper information, I'd be back at the start,  
  
Cos every time I try and talk to you, my words keep falling apart  
  
Pretty girls make me nervous  
  
Pretty girls make me nervous  
  
Pretty girls make me nervous  
  
When they're as pretty as you  
  
If I were a surgeon, I would do an operation to examine your heart,  
  
I'd check to see if you and me could really have a movie on the very start  
  
And if my diagnosis turned up positive, I'd still be only dreaming of you,  
  
Cos approaching you is something that I know I'll never have the guts to do  
  
Pretty girls make me nervous  
  
Pretty girls make me nervous  
  
Pretty girls make me nervous  
  
When they're as pretty as you  
  
And when she smiles, she makes me happy  
  
And when she's near, I get so dreamy  
  
And in my award-winning dream, I perform like I was on a movie screen,  
  
As I casually pop the question-  
  
"Do you want to go out for coffee with me?"  
  
"I don't drink coffee"  
  
If I were a lawyer, I would argue for the right to kiss you passionately,  
  
And if I were a teacher, I would rewrite history so you would end up with me,  
  
And if I were an architect, then I'd be busy drawing up the perfect plan,  
  
But all of these things I'm not, so what I am's the only thing I am  
  
Pretty girls make me nervous  
  
Pretty girls make me nervous  
  
Pretty girls make me nervous  
  
When they're as pretty as you  
  
And this fic ended and Barret and Seifer lived happily ever after as the underage girls had random babies so that Barret would never be in short supply of girls, and Seifer junctioned every girl into a sorceress!  
  
THE END!!!


	2. Dance of Curse

**Dance of Curse**

**Disclaimer**: This is the longer version of "Pretty Girls/Sexy Magical Sorceresses!". I still don't own anything, and as a warning, this fic was made for the sole purpose of being MSTed by my girlfriend so that she'll stop trying to MST my good fics. Like "The Puppet Master", which everyone should read.

The following fic has been rated "R" for "Retarded". Do not try to make sense of this because it is GARBAGE. And don't take this seriously EVER.

As the fic begins, Barret and Seifer are flying in Sandrock and Wing Zero. And they're playing with the ZERO system like it's a radio.

Barret said, "Heero and Quatre sure are stupid, mon!"

Seifer agreed, saying, "Yeah, ya know? We gave those two some Juju beans. Because we don't want a mindless DBZ cameo, ya know?!"

"That comes later!" Marlene said. Marlene randomly got Freedom Gundam, because, why the hell not? Then Ansem flies up to their ship, because he stole Koryuu's wings.

Ansem said, "At the low, low price of Barret's hairstyle, I'll give you a rip-off of the acoustic version of "Shell" from Witch Hunter Robin! And I'll even throw in Kairi's virginity!"

"Hmmm.... You drive a hard bargain, mon," Barret said, "But okay, mon!" Ansem gave Barret the song, but then Riku flew in on the magical love of happiness and lucky cookies and lovey-dovey goo-goo-gumdrops and happy smile hello and RAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNNNNBBOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWSSSSSSS!!!

Then Seifer said, "We have the keys, now what?"

Barret said, "I need a random cell phone, mon!"

Ansem was in the sky, without any wings, clothes, and looks like what would happen if you stuck Karasu in a blender and cross-bred him with Eggman and Ganondorf, with Char's mask and Squall's scar, and pants.

"Phones ripped off from _Serial Experiments Lain_, anyone? If you want, you can have her identity crisis too! All for the low, low price of Marlene!" Barret gave Marlene and Freedom Gundam to the orange person, and Ansem made Freedom Gundam all Technicolor and flew away, with Marlene riding on the back of a silver and Technicolor dragon into the Technicolor darkness. Ansem flew off in the bad Superman pose, and forgot everything he ripped off.

Barret pulls out his cell phone to his Satellite. "Hello, Monkey mon!"

On Barret's satellite, there was a whole squad of monkeys with little helmets with blinking purple lights (because if we used red, it would be a rip-off!) and the machine guns.

Monkey A (Let's just call him Q) said in a really random and crappy Swedish accent, "Hello, oh great one!"

Barret said, "I need you to find the door to the Lair of the Magical Sexy Girls That Might Be Sorceresses That Seifer Has No Interest In Whatsoever, mon!"

Monkey B (Let's just call him C) said, "Okay, mon! We've put the coordinates in our super-advanced computer!" C stuck the piece of paper in a toaster and the monkeys went about their business of being a part of the worst fic ever written, next to "Rough Sex" and "Cloud 9".

Barret said, "Looks like we have a little bit of time on our hands. So let's take a Road trip, But this not a bad way for GothCloud to kill time!"

Seifer said, "Ok ! Why not? it 's not like this is going to end up being a badfic that somebody will end up MSTing, ya know!"

Then Barret and Seifer flew on Space Bears into the moon, singing "Forces" very, very, very badly. Like this fic will turn out!

Seifer said "I wish there was something to do!"

Barret explained, "Something will come up soon like in 5...4...3...2..

Soon they see a big O and sing Big O but then the words Mortal Kombat fly by them all.....Um...Um... Link in a Park like.

Barret and Seifer fly off to the fight thinking that there might Sexy girls and no fighting there too!

Ryu walks up to them and says, "Want to have.... A piece of cake? I don't like to fight anymore, and now I'll explode!" Ryu exploded.

Seifer said, "I think that Ken had something to do with this!" Then Evil Ryu comes in and Barret said, "I thought you died....and where's my cheesecake?!"

Evil Ryu punched Barret in the face and calls Barret a crazy pyromaniacal rapist freak, and kicked Seifer in the balls and called him a random Sorceress-fucking moronic psycho. Then Evil Ryu signs his name on a sheet of paper that says, "TOURNAMENT FOR THE SUPER-MEGA MARTY-STUS!!!!"

(It took me forever to think of the name.)

Barret said, "I wanna kick his ass! I'm not a rapist! Or a pyro!"

Seifer said, "Yeah, me too! I'm not a Sorceress-fucker!" Then they put on spandex jumpsuits that they ripped off of Power Rangers. But they looked sooooooooooooooooo gay in' em and went off to fight in the TOURNAMENT OF THE SUPER-MEGA MARTY STUS!!!!!!!!!

Barret said, "But we need a third member!" As the shadows appeared, the Ultimate Self-Insert made a dramatic entrance that ate up most of the fic's budget! A mysterious dark-skinned man emerges from the shadows, and then TK from Season 2 of _Digimon_ walk behind him.

"Thanks for the ride!" TK said, "You lose!"

GothCloud (the darkskinned man) said, "All your base are belong to us! You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha ha ha...Now I need a team!" GothCloud looked at Barret and Seifer and said, "Hey Pedo! Hey Sorceress-fucker! Join me and help me win the tournament!"

Barret and Seifer looked at GothCloud and were very mad.

Barret said, "I'm not a pedophile! And who are you, mon!"

Seifer said, "And I don't fuck sorceresses, ya know!"

GothCloud said, "I am the author of this fic! And there are many underage girls and sorceresses in store if you help me win! Or we can all have sweet, random yaoi that makes no sense whatsoever, like this fic!"

Barret and Seifer said, "Okay!!!" and they went in.

----ROUND THE FIRST!! Barret, the Great and Sexy GothCloud WHO IS NOT A MARTY-STU and Seifer -VS- Vegeta (SS1), Vegeta (SS Monkey) And a cheese sandwich)

GothCloud ate the cheese sandwich and said, "I are winner!"

Barret said, "But don't Self-Inserts suck really badly 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 of the time?"

GothCloud said, "I have a backstory! I'm part Cat, Sayian, Sorceress, Namek, Ancient, Gundam, Crazy person, Hyrulian, Toadstool, Vampire, Wolf, Fox demon, Dragon, Fairy, Pixie, Wizard, Elf, and Juraian, and anything else that might make me sound like a Marty-Stu! But I'm not!"

And Barret and Seifer went off to fight the two Vegetas and a Super-Saiyan monkey.

Vegeta (HP 5000)

SS1 Vegeta (HP 60, 000)

SSM Vegeta: (HP 100, 000)

Barret said, "Mon, they're really strong, mon! I'll have to use some dirty tricks!" Barret throws a mini-Junnon Cannon onto each of the three Vegetas.

"WE ARE THE PRINCE OF ALLLLL SAIYANS!!!" said the Vegetas, and then Scarlet flew in on a meteor and hopped on top of the cannons to do unspeakable things, but we can't show it because the fic is only rated R and the author ran out of money, and then the Vegetas lost 1000 HP, then the people of Disney gave the author money and slapped the Disney label on it, saying, "We can make MAD CASH off of this! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Seifer said, "I will summon a gift from Disney!" Seifer summoned Maleficent and she says, "I am Sorceress Maleficent!" Then Seifer went with her to go backstage to, er, talk. But you do hear sounds of sex, and Seifer screaming, "WHO'S YOUR KNIGHT, BABY! YEAH!" But there is no sex whatsoever.

GothCloud runs at SSM Vegeta with great speed and accuracy, he left SSM Vegeta at half of his life points with his mighty weapon of Power. A weapon of immense power and ancient magic secrets.

Barret said, "That was good, mon, but I'll show them why I'm the BIG SHOT!!" Barret yelled at his wristwatch, "YE NOT GUILTY!!!!" and then lasers shot from the sky to kill SSM Vegeta! And then SS1 Vegeta was at half-health, and Vegeta randomly exploded by the Gears. (Random Guilty Gear ripoff. Get used to them. Because I shop at Ansem's Ripped-off, er, I mean, _Borrowed_ Stuff store!)

Seifer said, "I got it, ya know!" Seifer ran at the remaining enemies with his Blazing Horse of Justice, setting fire to those who stood in the way of the New World Order. As you saw the Gundams of every nation from G Gundam flew into the sky, "Fly Gundam" played in the background. (Bad G Gundam reference, and WORSE Mobile Suit Gundam cameo)

Ryu, who came back from the dead, said, "I'm going to have...a....piece of cake!"

Barret said, "Aren't ya dead, mon? And WHERE'S MY CHEESECAKE, mon!"

Ryu throws a cheesecake in Barret's face and said, "People like you make me sick! I'm going to turn into FIGHTING RYU now! Fightfightfightfightfight........"

Barret pulls out the CHEESECAKE OF VICTORY and said, "I WILL DEFEAT YOU IN THE NAME OF THE CHEESECAKE OF VICTORY!!! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Seifer said, "Yeah, and I swear upon the Sorceress of Victory! Or Annoyance!" Seifer pulls out Ayeka. Fortunately, she's sufficiently bound and gagged so that she doesn't get away....or speak.

And GothCloud said, "I will defeat you in the name of the Angel of Victory!!" He summons Alita (The most horrible Battle Angel Alita reference, EVER. And Alita Sexy. Sexier than my girlfriend who will now kill me because I just said that.)

Dr. Nova ran in and said "YOU STOLE MY FLAN OF VICTORY!!" Then he ate his flan and ran away. And then a space bear flew in and said, "FATHER! Why did you give me life?" And everyone was happy!

Ryu said, "And if I win, it will be on the Saint of Fighting-ness. But if I win, you get Cammy and Chun-Li."

Chun-Li and Cammy said, "But we're people! We have feelings and emotions! We are _not_ objects!"

Ryu said, "Shut up, stupid women. You know your place."

Guile and Ken come in.

Guile said, "You can't say things like that to Chun-Li! She's cute and sweet and I'm randomly seventeen! Yay! Chun-Li and I are legal!!!!"

Ken agreed, saying, "And Cammy's hot! And she's very charming and you're lucky that she half-likes you!"

Meanwhile Vincent and GothCloud were dancing to "Forces" and "One-Winged Angel" and any other random dark stuff when some Chibipires attacked Vincent. Chibipires are a race of vampires that suck out the dark, angsty feelings, leaving their victims in a state of Di Gi Charat-mixed-with-Hamtaro-level fluff. They ride in on cute chibi hamsters and Mogs and chocobos. GothCloud, using his speed and agility that Disney gave him, avoided the attack. Vincent, however, was reverted to Chibi form.

"I'm chock full of big-headed anime goodness! Happy smile hello! Eat a lucky happy cookie! I shoot eye beams at the things I hate and make them explode! YAY!!!!"

Then Season-two T.K. comes in and says, "All righty, then. GothCloud, you _are_ a Marty-Stu! Now join me, in the darkness, GothCloud. The Darkness and the Yaoi!" (The worst Kingdom Hearts reference ever. This, and it mocks Sora/Riku bad-yaoi. Yey for cameos.)

GothCloud said, "NEVER! I can't have hot steamy Alita lovin' in the darkness!"

"But you can have better!" Season-Two TK said, then brings out Keiko. (Yu Yu Hakusho cameo)

"Same difference. They're both robots," Seifer said, "And don't you have a girlfriend who MSTs shit like this fanfic for the hell of it?"

GothCloud asked, "But what are the odds of her MSTing this? This is **QUALITY!!**" (This quality fanfic was brought to you by Disney and Mattel. Quality family entertainment for the family!)

Hojo brings in the odds of this fic being MSTed by a certain author's girlfriend, saying, "She will _definitely_ MST this, and then take an extremely large knife to your dick, GothCloud. If she can find the thing."

Alita said, "I found it! And it's mine!" Alita and GothCloud have a third-base makeout. The dragon was being unleashed in GothCloud's tight leather pants. Then Hojo jumped into a giant Plothole which seemed like the only logical escape from the stupidity that would ensue.

Round the Second:

Goku – 1000000000000 Marty-Stu points.

Goku SS1 – 2000000000 Marty-Stu points.

SS4 Goku – 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999998 Marty-Stu points.

-vs-

Ryu – 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888887 Marty-Stu points.

Evil Ryu – 777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777772 Evil Marty-Stu points. WHAHAHAHAHA!

Ryu said, "We shall defeat you and steal your powers easily! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Ryu and Evil Ryu did the Fusion Dance. Of course, this is a lie that they tell to children so that they don't know that this is...the YAOI DANCE!!! Ryu and Evil Ryu have sporadic sex with no plot, spelling (like "klock" and "kum".), or even a reason as to why they're fucking. They just had hot steamy lovin' in the middle of the battlefield. With no real reason. Or a point. And aren't they something like related or something? Who cares? It's the random sex scene! There needs to be no reason! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Goku said, "Oh noes! It is the random yaoi! How many times has my universe fought this scourge of PWP sex and stupidity?! I'm hungry!" The Gokus jump into another plothole which led to the Sun which burned them all oh dear.

Barret said, "I like waffles! I wanna rape the undercooked waffles everywhere! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

--------------------------------

**Round the Third!**

Ryu and Evil!Ryu –vs- Psycho Boy, Pryo-Man and Self-Inserted Idiot.

GothCloud, Barret, and Seifer all say, "THAT'S NOT US!!"

Ryu said, "MORTAL KOMBAT!" (Most of the Spellcheck was done by Sorceress Ultimecia! Because as we all know, "Combat" has a C not a K.)

GothCloud summons....Zapan, because according to demonology, he ruled one of the regions of Hell, making GothCloud the creepiest person on Earth. GothCloud said, "And don't forget...I LOOK SO GOOD! I LOOK BETTER THAN MARTH OR RAIDEN!!"

Evil Ryu said, "Attack, my Chibipires! Attack!"

Instead, the Chibipires attacked Evil Ryu and turned him into a chibi form of himself, filled with the Big-Headed Anime Goodness ™, singing, "I love to sing-a! About the moon-a in a June-a in the spring-a! I love to sing-a! With a tea for two-a and an I-love-Quistis-and-her-Huge-Materia! Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis Fic is GARRRRRBAAAAAAGE!!!!!!!" Then he exploded.

Then Ryu randomly died. And the souls of the interesting characters rose from his charred Marty-Stu body to gain new lives of interesting-ness!

Both Cammy and Chun-Li walk sadly to Barret, Seifer and GothCloud when... A plothole opened under them, and Cammy and Chun-Li fell through it, and we have no idea where it led..."

Barret said, "We owe this victory to the Cheesecake of Victory™!"

Dr. Nova smacked the cheesecake and said, "No, do it right! It's the FLAN OF VICTORY ™!!" (Another Battle Angel Alita cameo. Mr. Kishiro would be very, very sad, and then he would cry from the badness oh dear.)

--------------------

**Round the Third!**

Barret, Seifer, and GothCloud

-vs-.........................

A dramatic drumroll heralds his immense presence. The crowd cheers as he comes forth. It is.... TYSON!

The crowd chants in a unison, "TYSON! TYSON! TYSON! WE LOVE YOU AND THE WAY YOU NEVER LOSE!!!" Girls throw their panties at Tyson. And then... the battle begins!

Seifer said, "I'll take him on, ya know!!" Seifer charged at Tyson with speed and agility. Tyson throw Sorceress Ultimecia at Seifer and then they have some hot steamy lovin. We can't show it because Disney won't let us, boo hoo. But you can hear every detailed scream, pant, moan, and slurp, and glurp. And "WHO'S YOUR FUCKING KNIGHT?!" and "WHO'S MAMA'S DIRTY, DIRTY KABANA BOY?!" (Again, spelling approved by Ultimecia. Who is busy having random sex with Seifer.)

Barret, "Don't worry! The great and brave Barret Wallace will save you!" Barret poses and then charges. Tyson, being as "smart" as he was, threw Windwaker Zelda at him. WindWaker Zelda and Barret had some hot steamy lovin' even if it's technically illegal but this is the Worst Fanfic Ever, so who gives a shit really?

GothCloud said, "I'll save you, guys! Mon! Ya know!" GothCloud hits Tyson with many martial arts techniques. Tyson only gets two damage. Then GothCloud does Lionheart on Tyson, and Tyson only gets three damage. Finally, GothCloud performs the Panzer Kunst, the strongest fighting technique that is programmed into cyborgs, and Tyson only gets ten damage.

Tyson said, "Look, a papercut! Now it's my turn!" Tyson yawned and caused a billion damage to GothCloud.

Then Tyson looked at the scenery and then caused 999,999,999,999 damage.

Then Tyson scratched his head and did a gazillion damage.

GothCloud said, "THIS IS WHY I HATE MARTY-STUS!!!" Then he attacked Tyson using the Plasma Jets, boosted with the Game Genie™, the Gameshark's ancestor. So you see this coming toward Tyson:

75238902647865790364979690364779054398p4q897584ugiroyw684u6hg6859w76yuhe85907608u708-9w647ug40896767-0w8674-6578658-90w54890675p789678497w683yu085488thisficisshitty2389102409230inc2ir9318y75ryu89yIFUCKINGHATEMARTYSTUSpui34p2uio34huio23iryu23hu fwehui fhuiwruhiw3huirwhuir23ui4ryu23y8528y5y89235y8234y895r23yu849cy2yuiru2yiryui2ui. This much damage hit Tyson.

And Tyson said, "Owie. A boo-boo." Tyson unleashed his Mighty Beyblade of Overrated Perfection and summoned Dragoon, the most Marty-Stu-like bit piece EVER.

GothCloud did Armageddon and Supernova and Shock Pulsar at the same time, with a boost from the Game Genie™! So you saw this: 12823789ehuidhjarkskrfwugeryugweyukgrwy7854237452p3788r7r935r60373fh75t3784ory085r3y84y593y4785rf3y7845y7834y78IHATEMARTYSTUS0w4809234eui23ui9er23u238ru83u8r293u8ru8324ro2u83u8r8yory8THISFICSUCKS90e0823u4u892349u8234u832u84u89PLEASEMSTTHIS09e90u234u8923p84r23895ry782345y7824y78ry78ttr78378r67t3975r967t78IAMAMORONo0ie2794p2497237984237898923714689y23y37819r2y7814671295421689567236785962968592679087892147823497889u823xeuwhuieru2iw4284994723723yu15h23451y7826785788ow678e6788IAMALAMESELFINSERT02-42i91jr2rjiu9r9uh9p3ru83urh2er23hu8r34y4uy438y5oy834y7t43t378t67848920789389024089124038990238430892490839028424-90129034-90-903-904903YAOIFOREVER2io1478124892eyuqr2uyir23y89r97823r8342yry7823qy78ty78y78y78OYWEy23y98yyuiqwefuiweruigweyuqweyu8

As GothCloud fell to his knees, Dragoon said, "WHAHAHAHAHA! I lost...half a health point."

GothCloud fell to his knees and said, "Who's the real Marty-Stu?!" GothCloud ran at Tyson and as a final desperate attempt, screamed, "DESPERATION!!!" And a random piece of rope appears from mid-air and GothCloud jumped for it, but....

Naked Laguna kicked GothCloud in the forehead and said, "This is MY show, boy! COME AND SEE HOW GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD I LOOK!!!!!!!!!" Laguna swung back and forth on his rope happily as fangirls looked on.

"What the shit is this?" GothCloud asked, when... a Dance Dance Revolution (or DDR) game falls on GothCloud and a brass pole fell from the sky with the DDR game, and Kiros came down naked and dancing provocatively.

"Wow, that was so freaking random, mon," said Barret, "I think I'll sing...er... 'Cry Me A River'?" And he did.

Just then, Tyson decided he needed to do something.... _Drastic_, as Laguna swung from his rope, and Kiros was being random fanservice. He grew one of those generic villain mustaches and developed one of those generic villain accents and said, "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dragoon! Open a portal between here and... the 99th ½ dimension! WHAHAHAHAHAMWAHAHAHAHAHAGENERICEVILLAUGHTER!!!!" Dragoon opened the portal to the 99th ½ dimension with the totally fake 1980s video game graphics (And we mean E.T.-style graphics.), the Evil Egg People Who Don't Like Anime or Crappy Fanfiction descended and started destroying stupidity. And then the Angel Masters (_Wish_ cameo!) came and turned the egg people into eggs and everyone ate them as a well-balanced breakfast.

Koryuu flew in wearing absolutely nothing and said, "HEY! We sent those because Hell didn't want this shitty fic! We sent the Egg People to save the world... because if we didn't, the badfic would eat their souls, and that's my job!" Just then GothCloud shot Koryuu in the back of the head and then Koryuu fell into a plothole and we don't know where the plothole leads oh dear. And then a Mysterious Laguna-loving Fanfic Writer ™ swooped in and took Laguna away, probably to get him some fucking clothes. And then Kiros, DDR machine, pole and all fell through another plothole which leads to...I don't know. Maybe to a place where he can find some CLOTHES, oh dear.

And then, with Barret's strength being gone, GothCloud at zero energy, and Seifer otherwise engaged, Tyson stood over GothCloud, knowing he had the superior position. Tyson said, "WAHHAHAHAHA!! I will defeat you, but first, I must tie my shoe." He reached down to tie his shoe, then he collapsed and died. (_Wish_ cameo again) As he died this extremely dramatic death, his dead and dying body landed on the Spear of Life, which appeared out of nowhere (_Legends of Dragoon _cameo!) and he came back to life. Tyson said, "Boo hoo. I can't be a great Beyblade champion anymore. Boo hoo. Dragoon died. Wah boo hoo. Ah well, I can always fall back on my minor. Being the Random Hot Guy in bad yaoi!"

Then Kai popped out of nowhere and said, "Mwahaha! My overratedness will take over! WAHAHHAHA!!!" And then Kai's Beyblade exploded oh my goodness.

"Boo hoo," Kai said, "Dranzer died, too. I can't be a beyblade master, either. Ah well." Kai fell on top of Tyson and Tyson said, "What the hell, let's have some hot steamy lovin'!" Tyson and Kai pulled off their pants and gave each other sporadic blow jobs in the middle of the very small Beyblade arena.

Then Ray walked by not being a Marty-Stu or overrated, as Tyson and Kai were having the hot steamy lovin'. And as everyone knows, it is rude to walk past people fucking in a small Beyblade arena. Then Ray asked, "Am I yaoi-bait?" Then the yaoi fangirls exploded Ray because he had a girlfriend.

Then Ray didn't really die, but he fell in a cave with Mariah. There were sounds of a screeching cat and a roaring tiger. The sounds that came from that cave sounded like a tiger and a cat having sporadic sex.

Meanwhile, safe from the massive stupid, King and Ozuma were arguing. (And no, Tyson does NOT show up thank god) And this took place during the one thing everyone used to solve everything. A Beyblade match! Beyblade is the new Tennis! (Prince of Tennis cameo!)

Ozuma said, "Take Mariam! I don't want her! She's hideous and loud and—and she snores! Yeah, that's it! And—and—she looks like The Blob."

King answered, "How dare you say that stuff about Mariam! She's a goddess! She's sweet, graceful, strong, intelligent, and her presence lights up the Technicolor Darkness ™ that Ansem created. Queen, on the other hand, is rude, screechy, has this horrible helmet hair, I thought she was a man, and oh, yeah... She nags. God, how she nags. Nag, nag, nag, nag... _ick_."

"What?! Have you been living in a cave all your life?" Ozuma said, "Or are you slower than Tyson over there? Queen is smart, pretty, _feminine_, and for my gift to her, I'm disbanding my team, and giving my beautiful Queen Mariam's place as Second-in-command and her Beyblade. All I need is Queen and air. And I don't even need air anymore."

"You really were deprived of oxygen at birth," King said, "So, I must be going then. Mariam is waiting for me in the cave's Secret Area (Final Fantasy 8 Cameo!). I am going to give her Queen's Beyblade _and_ her spot on the team. See ya!" King stomped off angrily.

Ozuma burned inside with violent anger as he pulled out a random Lightsaber and charged at King. Then King pulled out his random Lightsaber and the Obligatory Lightsaber Scene ™ took place. Then Mariam and Queen walked in and saw them fighting.

Mariam grabbed King and said, "Let's go! Little boys playing with big Lightsabers are compensating for things!" They left to one end of the cave to have random sex.

Then Ozuma went off with Queen to the other end to have Random Sex ™. I don't know how sixth graders managed to figure out what sex is, but there are _third fucking graders_ who are fucking like mad. (Card Captor Sakura reference, Magical Girl Pretty Sammy Reference, hell, DIGIMON AND POKÈMON FUCKING REFERENCE!)

Round the Fourth 

GothCloud –vs- Sora! (Not the cute one from Digimon. The Asspony from Kingdom Hearts.)

Sora said, "Nobody can defeat me! My heart is the PUREST OF THEM....." GothCloud stabbed Sora in the back Sephiroth style and said, "Fucking Marty-Stu assclown! This is why I hated Kingdom Hearts. This is why I fucking hate your fans! YOU STOLE ALL THE PERSONALITY!!!!!! FROM EVERYONE!!! Poor Kairi! She would've been so fucking awesome if you didn't suck out all the personality out of her...." Then Disney said that GothCloud's language wasn't family-friendly and took all its money. Never fear! Ansem's Ripoff Industries and Network and Stuff is now funding this fic, so now there will be full-blown sex scenes where you can see all three of Sorceress Ultimecia's breasts! And Seifer's... er, we would "baby dick", but babies are better hung, so for the record, we'd say... electron microscopes are required to find it, because he is The Man With The Smallest Penis™!!!!

Kairi popped in and stabbed Sora with the Oathkeeper and said, "You forgot about me _again_! And we're supposed to randomly hook up! But _noooooooooooooooooooo_, the all-important _Namine_ appears! (Random KH2 spoiler!!!) And yet again, you leave me alone. Goddammit, there IS evidence that Tifa's my mom. We both have shitty taste in men!" Kairi left.

----------------------------------

Final Round!! 

Duel of Fate: GothCloud vs. Shobu!!! No, wait, it's only Season 2 TK... yawn.

GothCloud asked, "Where is the pyro and the sorceress fucker?!" Then Yuffie comes out in a string bikini, as the Chocobos and Cactars in the audience were going wild! (Chocobos Gone Wild! On sale after this fic is over!)

Yuffie said in the Worst British Accent EVER ™, "Well, the people in the white coats took Seifer away and gave him a happy shot!"

GothCloud said, "And where's Barret?"

Yuffie said, "Barret's been taken away by an evil talking cat—er, dog—er, ANIMAL WHO FATHERED MY CHILD!!"

Ansem runs in and says, "MOMMY!! You found Daddy?"

Yuffie answered Ansem, "No, Daddy's off fucking Barret again for extra money for child support. Damn cheating bastard. He ran off with Kirara _again_!" (Worst _Inuyasha_ Cameo EVER)

Kari and Davis and the rest of the Digidestined from _Digimon_ (Season 2) appear, and Kari said, "Step into the light, TK! We could be a couple with development!"

TK said, "Hmm, lemme think..." TK pushed everyone into a plothole.

GothCloud said, "Woe is me! How can I defeat TK!? And he's more of a Marty-Stu than Tyson!

Then Season 2 TK puts on a cheesy fake villain mustache and said, "MWAHAHAHAHAHA! My powers are INFINITE! Because I drain my power from Sasami! MWAHAHAHAHWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!" Then Sasami appears very tied up and hanging from a pipe above the stadium.

GothCloud said, "I will defeat you using the powers of the Darkness! Not the Technicolor Darkness™. The _real_ Darkness that consumes your soul and makes you wish for death, as it consumes you like the shadows of remorse, forgotten memories, and regret." Then he ran at TK using great speed and agility using the Rave of Knowledge (Rave Master cameo!). Then GothCloud cut his arm and fallen angels of darkness flew at TK, ripping open his flesh. Then GothCloud jumped high into the air, and it seemed as if he had split into two, but GothCloud had opened the nine circles of Hell and dragged TK through each one, making TK wish for a quick, painless death.

Scarlet came riding in on the Junnon Cannon and said, "And the award for Maximum Creepiness by a Self-Insert in a Bad Fanfic goes to... GOTHCLOUD!!!" After GothCloud accepted his award (what a frigging show-off), TK said, "You have done what most people have NEVER been able to do... Gave me a _scratch_! And now, my friend, allow me to demonstrate the true power of the Technicolor Darkness™!" TK scratched his head, yawned, rubbed his belly, and looked at the scenery, and this did such an immense amount of damage that the Game Genie™ couldn't handle it.

TK said to Sasami, "Now, you have served your purpose. I don't need you anymore. And now I will take over the world! WHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! "Then TK grabbed a bottle of sake, never mind the fact that he's a _minor_, and said, "The sake of VICTORY!!!!" Then TK summoned a giant fireball and hurled it toward Sasami. Then GothCloud shouted, "NOOOO!!!!" as he lunged toward the fireball to save Sasami.

GothCloud said, "Don't cry for me. I lived a long life. I fought long, hard, and fair, but my best wasn't good enough....against the Ultimate Marty-Stu." As he reached to give Sasami the one key that will ultimately defeat TK, he melts and his soul ascends into the air, toward the warmth and light that awaited.

Then Sasami raised the key above her head and said, "This will defeat you, TK!" Sasami summoned Quistis and then Quistis said, "Here, TK. A real opponent for you." Quistis handed TK a mirror.

TK looked in the mirror and said, "Oh no! How can I defeat myself? But I am my strongest opponent! NOO!!!" TK drove himself crazy and jumped into a plothole. Unfortunately, the Plothole led to Ansem's Pleasure Dome™, and TK was trapped there for all eternity.

Barret and Seifer walk in. Barret asked, "Hey mon! Why didn't anyone tell me that Zelda was a man, mon?"

Seifer asked, "And why can't I find a nice, stable sorceress who doesn't get killed by Sorceress Stabber Quistis and her squad of Sorceress Hunters, which is made up of a brick, a playboy, a chicken-wuss, and the inspiration behind Di Gi Charat and all its fluffiness?"

Barret and Seifer look around, and ask, "Where's GothCloud at? And did we win the tournament? And where's the Cheesecake of Victory?"

Sasami looked at them and said, "The poor, brave GothCloud. He saved me, and you guys did win the tournament, but he died..." Sasami cried.

Then Seifer came up with a great idea. He said, "Don't worry, Barret and I will look after you! It's what GothCloud would want!"


End file.
